What Really Is In Your Heart?

This has been long in my mind lately. I first noticed things two years ago. Slowly, little by little, true colors showed. It’s a lot of hard things to realize and sometimes I feel like I’m mourning. It’s a really weird description, I know. When Covid 19 started, we all were very heartfelt. We cared. We were sincere… only for a short time, when we thought it was only going to be three weeks. After that, it just became confusing. I started noticing people took sides and whoever wasn’t on their side were against them. It’s so silly when you think about it but sadly, it’s still going on now.

Many people quickly didn’t believe Covid is real. That It was blown out of proportion and that people in general were “sheeps”. Somehow that meant that they were better than other people and that it was okay to judge others for what they believed. It was okay to call people stupid and it was okay to condemn them just because of a difference of belief. What’s more painful for me was that even Christians said these things. Yikes. Every time I really think about this, I take a deep sigh, and mourn all over again.

I have no clue about anything. I am very blessed to be healthy. I am extremely thankful I live in a country were healthcare is everywhere and readily available. I am also a stay at home mom. I work at home, so I don’t see things firsthand. I don’t see the people getting sick or dying. My family in Indonesia on the other hand… has experienced these first hand. Relatives and family getting hit hard, sick and have passed away. My mom tells me everyday to be safe. I find it redundant sometimes, but I realize that I don’t see what she sees there. My brother tells me that just in a couple of months, there has been many from the people they know. Who am I to judge? Or anyone? I am not all knowing.

In a world where everyone is literally divided because of this single thing, this pandemic. True colors show. Everywhere. In the beginning, I used to think sickness that happen worldwide or even epidemics where it would affect one region… that in the end, people would come to believe in God. For people to want a relationship with Him. For the unbelievers to believe. If you think I sound like a typical christian woman that was born a christian and was “brainwashed” to be a christian to believe all christian things. No. Think again.

When the days turned to weeks, and the weeks turned to months. Finally the months turned to years… I understand now. God is the God of love. He is THE heart of all hearts and He looks straight to the heart and reveals them for all to see. The true colors and hearts of people finally show. No longer can they hide who they are because of this pandemic. This pandemic has been years, and it takes years to really show what’s in our hearts.

It deeply saddens me to the core that we as Christians, as the light of the world are not being the light TOGETHER. I do not know anything, but I do know God. His plan is perfect and His plan is to bring us closer to Him… so that we can bring others to Him. But first, we need to look deep within our hearts and CHANGE for God. We can’t be the light if we are not shining any light from our Spirits.

There are ALOT of conspiracy theories out there. Some sound insane and some can be true. I don’t know. But I for sure know this… whenever I think about it if it could be true or not true, I am in DEEP confusion. That kind of confusion where I know it’s from the devil. That’s what he does. He prowls around. He confuses you enough so that you’ll waste your time being confused. He does this so you don’t have time to go to God and talk to Him. You’ll have no more time to be IN the Word. Let alone speak and live the Word… this kind of confusion is deadly. It kills the light in you. It’s a cold and chill spirit and oh boy, that spirit is not from Jesus. Can you tell the difference? Who do you trust?

I don’t know this world, but I do know God. I don’t know why things happen, but I trust the God who is all powerful. That God who sent Jesus to die for us. I don’t know anything about conspiracy theories, but that’s what they are, theories. However, I KNOW what happens when Jesus comes for the second time. The world will keep getting worse, then it won’t, then it will, then it won’t… but like a thief in the night… when Jesus comes, no one will know the exact time. But when He comes, EVERYONE will know. Can you say your heart is in the right place? Is it with God?

This whole pandemic teaches me that I have to stay in the root of love… where I am patient, where I am long suffering, persevering, not easily angered, and where I do not boast. There’s more but that’s all I can remember for now. We have to be all of this for those who do not know Jesus. We are the ones who are suppose to teach others perseverance… even if we don’t like it ourselves. This is patience, this is trust for God, this is what it means to love all, even your enemies.

What good will your constant grumbling and complaining do? The keyword being “constant”. The good is nothing. Well, It will probably make things worse actually. For you and the people around you. But can you imagine if you told someone that God is good to us all the time? Telling any one person that even if it’s a long time… we have a God who deeply loves us and LONGS for us to find peace in Him? To create a relationship with Him where you trust Him so much that nothing will phase you?

I honestly don’t know what “freedom” is besides the freedom I get from God. I think not being able to own a certain firearm is not a definition of not being free. But I do think not being able to freely worship Jesus is definitely NOT freedom. I can’t do this freely in Indonesia. Man, I think about Joseph sold as a slave, and then wrongly imprisoned… but yet he trusted God so much and He had a reason for not stopping the storm in Joseph’s world. JOSEPH was the light for some of these prisoners. He repeatedly gave God the glory and yet… he was not free in the eyes of the world. Literally locked in prison after being a slave for years. Hmm. I just want to know this kind of man who persevered through this. Through all this, he gave glory to God and none to himself. And he preserved to the fullest! God used THAT to turn people around in prison. Wowwwww.

God lifted this man after being that kind of light as a slave and as a prisoner and he became the governor of Egypt. Ugh what? Yup. He was the most honored and loved man there. Israelites lived there in peace until he died. Joseph carried this light within him and he shared it to people around him. People saw God’s light in him and they wanted to know the God of Israel. Even the king of Egypt… loved Joseph and made him governor. I mean, wow! I just think Joseph’s story needs to be our story. This is the story of one man who trusted God like that and this brought peace in Egypt until Joseph died. Who carried the light after he died? Looks like no one because the Israelites became slaves again until God called Moses to draw them out. I think the time between Joseph and Moses were around 300 years. Moses said no by the way. But he obviously ended up doing it lol.

We need to be the kind of Christians who loves everyone, even our enemies and those we don’t agree with. There will always be debates and there will always be sides. No one is going to agree on everything. In America, everything is so political and one side hates the other. It’s not right. We should be on the side of God and living His Word daily. There will always be someone who will hate any current president. Not one president is loved by everyone, but all presidents are disliked by at least someone. As children of the most high God, we are called to intercede even for our “rulers”, even for those we don’t like. We are called to pray for them, to love them, and not curse them. Believe it or not, God longs for them to have a relationship with Him. He longs for His children to be saved… even the people you dislike, disagree with, or even hate. If it won’t be you interceding for them, then who?

Why else are we on this earth for so long? Even though this life is hard and painful… He wants the work done through us so that many will be saved and enter the kingdom of heaven. Living forever without the conception of time with God. It’s forever. Don’t we want that for others? What is truly in our hearts? Is it our own selfish desires or is it love for God?

With my heart all poured out, I just want to end this with a prayer.

Lord, I pray for your children… to come back to you. I pray that they create a deep relationship with you that they find that peace in you. I pray that they soften their hearts so they can trust You fully, Lord. I long for all Christians to live their life in your Spirit. I pray that they CHOOSE to spend their time studying your Word… Even when it is so difficult. Let us not falter and let us not go into our own selfish desires that we misrepresent who YOU are, Lord. Keep our actions tied to only You. Let our words be filled with your Wisdom. Help us not stumble others in your name. Lord, you are the most powerful God. Find a way for them to come back to you so that they may seek your counsel, your wisdom, and most of all, your love. I pray that all of us as Christians represent Christ the right way as a humble person. I pray that we all as your children would intercede for everyone and stop fighting against one another for the sake of others who need to know You. Let these hearts soften for you, Lord. I pray in Jesus’ name and it is done.



  1. Natalie
    March 4, 2022 / 11:17 AM

    Love love love this. Thanks for sharing and for the perspective, sis!

    • xolivi
      May 2, 2022 / 7:06 PM

      awwww, thanks sis!

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