Obviously I’m a mom of three. For the past twelve years, this title holds the largest part of who I am. I’ve stopped working outside the home when my oldest was two, so technically, I have been a sahm for the past decade. My mom was an angel to always be willing to watch Keilani, but they moved back to Indonesia when she was two. It’s really weird to think how time moves so fast and at this point of my life, I felt like the world has been moving faster than usual and sometimes I feel left so far behind.
I took on a side job as a blogger and YouTuber and it was going well until covid hit. All of a sudden, it was just hard to find work. Having the kids at home also made it harder for me to focus on just the work. Of course, it was a no brainer that they always come first, but I would be lying if it didn’t affect me.
It’s really crazy how fast a person can be hit with insecurities. In the beginning of 2020, I made a plan to go through a program for my career. Having the kids in full day school helped made that decision because I could be studying while they were in school. Well, that changed. I honestly don’t know when I can even do that anymore. Let’s be real, I’m not getting any younger.
It’s tough to be vulnerable, because it shows extreme weakness.
“I’ll never make a career of my own”
“I’m the same as I was ten years ago, with nothing to show.”
“Everyone else around me is going somewhere, and here I am staying still.”
Vulnerability though, shows that not one person is alone. When people are honest with themselves and each other, that’s when we can go through healing. This blog has a theme of “relate, overcome, accept, and renew” and I think this post here touches on all of those.
If I allow myself to be of the world and their expectations, I am rutted. I feel attacked and guilty. As someone who has been studying the Word for a while, I know that this is the enemy speaking. The enemy makes a person feel guilty to a point where they can’t turn anymore, but looking towards God and speaking with Him daily, I’m not staying there.
I know God never makes me feel that way. He speaks pure love and He gives the most unbelievable peace. He takes me out of my insecurities, and He holds me up. While for a point in time, I saw myself as never achieving anything in this world, He says to me:
“I see you as someone who sacrifices for her family.”
“You didn’t stay still, you are there everyday for your husband and children who need you.”
“Do you remember, my daughter? I am the Lord your God who loves you and takes care of you. Just look at the birds.”
While I criticize myself and honestly, sometimes others would, too… God puts me back to the place of peace. Even in my photo up there, I was picking up the kids from school. God shows me that while I thought my position in life is lowly, He tells me it’s a high position in His eyes. God has a way with these things. This birds thing is funny. There has been this blue bird that keeps coming to the bush right outside of my window. My side of the bed is that side. That’s also where my small vanity area is. Each time for the past couple of weeks, I keep seeing this bird.
While I have no clue what God has in store for me. He never leaves me behind. This isn’t saying that I don’t still go through cycles of insecurities, but each time I do, God sends this bird to remind me that He is there and He hears me.
Sure, it’s probably a coincidence in a first glance, but how often does this bird that come immediately give me the presence of the Spirit that is so trembling to my soul? Each time it does. Sometimes I won’t even see the bird and I feel it. I look over and there is the bird.
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? – Matthew 6:26
It’s an insane thing: insecurities. It is my own and it is a mind game. I am sure a lot of stay at home moms feel this way, especially when their kids get older. If that’s you, you’re so not alone. I feel you. But I am also here to let you know that I encourage you to be persistent in your prayers with the Lord. Our God. Our Father who won’t let His daughters be weary. The bird is a symbol of peace to me, and a reminder to never worry about anything.
Sometimes we can feel like that woman near the well in Genesis, but God met Hagar there. Her story speaks of hopelessness that all of us go through. Remember when I talked about it’s tough to be vulnerable in a world full of pretense?
Most of us won’t admit we often can feel like Hagar did.
When she felt hopeless and lowly in her own view, God told her otherwise. He is the Living Water and He always supplies when we open our eyes to see that. When you accept the truth, then you move on towards healing and renewal. With that said, I know God still meets me everyday.
I read a book in a few days and it is called “4 Minutes To Hear God’s Voice“. It is such a new prayer to me. We most likely pray in a speaking term, but this prayer is a listening prayer. I don’t know if I mentioned this in previous posts, but this book needs to be read by everyone.
I started getting such abstract things from my listening prayers with God. I don’t know what it means. I also started doing it with the kids, and they get pictures that none of us can piece together. The first one, Keilani saw swirls of light. When she first showed it to me, I thought it looked like a snail, lol! But when she explained it, it was amazing to imagine swirls of light in that way.
I took a look in my notes app and seems like we did our first one on May 9th, 2021.
Kc: swirly light drawing
Ez: camping and table
Mimi: wild bunny and dog dancing. Dog has a white fluffy fur with a spot on his head
When I did mine with the kids, it was like my third time doing this and it was a little more vague. All I saw was mountains and water. When Zach did his, he showed me a bible verse from Isaiah 51:10. While I don’t really know what all things means from our listening prayers, it’s a great practice to teach the kids to make time for the Lord, even if it is just four minutes increments throughout the day.
Who doesn’t have four minutes? No one is that busy that they can’t have four minutes in prayer with God. I found those little paper kraft journal notebooks from Amazon. I love how it comes in a 24 pack with 6 different designs so everyone can choose what they’d like. It’s small enough to bring anywhere, but big enough to draw or write what each of us see during our listening prayer.
I can’t wait to see what God will show us overtime.
I just want to let you guys know that Miffy is so cute. She does this whenever Mimi is in her room. She comes in and then just lays down in the middle of the doorway. Lol! Talk about a girl and her bunny. With that said, I edited a bunch of clips from the year of 2020 and uploaded them to our family vlog channel. In each of them, I realize that this bunny is a main character in our videos, hahaha.
I think this is the end of this letter, friends. I hope that your month of May has been going well and that you see all the beautiful things all in your life. Sometimes we may feel otherwise, but those are just momentary feelings that does not depict the absolute truth. Let’s be willing to be like the woman at the well who in the end chose to open her eyes. She did not pretend otherwise, she accepted her struggles, moved on from it, and chose to see. If you want to read her story at the well, it’s in Genesis 21:14-21 but her story started long before that to fully understand it completely. Her story isn’t easy to read, but her faithfulness to God is so apparent. She was faithful through and through.