I Was Afraid To Share Wholeheartedly

Dear Friends,

I was tossing and turning in my sleep some nights. I was back and forth in my mind. The vision was so clear and bright, but yet so daunting. I felt brave and then I didn’t. God was quiet for many years, and then I was burnt out.

After writing my last post, I caught another stand still. It usually happens after a long and vulnerable outpouring. I just didn’t know what to say next.

Then, I did my 4 minutes to hear God’s voice. A practice of a listening prayer I recently learned from Me Ra Koh and her family. The first time I did it, God gave me a clear word (Write), a clear picture (six year old me at the mall buying prayer attire), and then I wrote that post just before this one. This time today, I didn’t receive any word or picture.

Instead, I got stillness.

At first, I thought I was falling asleep because I just felt so cozy, but then I realized I was actually at peace. Then I got confused because I didn’t get anything from God, lol. After I got up, I thought about restoration. I honestly don’t even know what about restoration, though. I will probably get back to you on that.

Right now though, I feel a hug from God. God’s Spirit holding me giving me the ultimate Comfort. With that, I still want to reflect on my last post. Not what’s in it… but the courage behind it for me be able to write it. Oh my gosh. Every-time I share anything about my B.C moments (before Christ moments), I get so afraid.

To share anything from that life, it also meant to share about my mom and dad. It meant to share about the whole Muslim community in general and how my life was in result of it. It meant worrying about offending a few people or so.

friends, I was quiet for a long time.

Well, not really all that “quiet” but I did not share wholeheartedly in its raw, pure, and unapologetic form. I was one foot in and one foot out for a bit there. Cautious. I was on fire, and then the fire died out. Fear is a nasty game. It can suck the life out of you and it censors you. Fear can also hinder the calling that God’s given you. I think that’s what happened to me.

I joined a women’s group from my church. I have gotten close to the lead Pastor for the women’s ministry and she is what you call a woman that LOVES God. We went to Farm 12 for our meeting this time which was so incredibly nice. There were five of us total. I ordered salmon for my dinner. Lol, honestly what’s up with my salmon foods, lately?

baked salmon with hollandaise sauce and vegetables

Anyway, Pastor T asked about my blog and how it’s doing. I’ve confided in her a couple times on my hesitancy to share about my testimony in its raw form. I told her and the ladies at the table that I wrote my first vulnerable post. I also shared how afraid I was to publish it because I’m not sure if my mom and dad would read it. I don’t know if they would take offense or think I was an ungrateful little brat.

A woman named Jenny that was sitting next to her shared a story from her life. Wow. I cannot for the life of me remember the exact details of this, but she ended it with such a powerful note. It blew my mind. It took me back.

She said, “If your story could save thousands, what is that compared to offending the three?”

Gasp. Gulp. OH MY GOSH.

First, I was like, holy crap. I focused on the wrong thing all this time. I was focused on me, my fear, my parents and brother, how they’d feel instead of focusing on God and His people. You know, the people that wanted to listen, not the people who refuses to hear. That’s a hard thing to say and admit. Technically, if you step back and look at it from afar… I was caring too much about the people who didn’t want to hear it, instead of those who DO.

God plucked me out of where I was, to save me so that I could help others. Jenny said a thousand, but if I could help just one person, that is amazing in itself. What good is my life if I’m keeping it for myself?

“No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light. – Luke 11:33

I listened to my first audio plan from TTW today from the book of Luke. It was about Zecheriah the old priest, his wife Elizabeth, and their son John the Baptist. An angel appeared to Zecheriah to tell them about John, their son, paving the way for Jesus Christ to ready up the people before His coming. Zecheriah didn’t believe, so he stayed silent. He didn’t share the good news. Nothing. Literally, I feel like this dude was a mute afterwards due to his unbelief. I don’t really know if it was in a spiritual sense or he was actually MUTED, but you get the idea. Either way, this dude was silent af.

What I got from it though was that… I felt like Zecheriah. I turned into a mute with my faith due to fear and the unbelief that God chose me to speak. I never think of myself as anything but ordinary. A simple woman of no importance. I didn’t believe that God would choose me for anything, but He did.

God wasn’t actually quiet. He was speaking to me and I didn’t listen. I didn’t allow myself to be in a place where I could easily hear him. I hear Him loud and clear now.

He called my name and called me to speak. He’s given me the gift of writing, the mindfulness to be in tune with the Spirit, and the empathy to understand people without judgement. I think all three of these things is the perfect recipe to be a friend.

God called me to be a friend, to share, and to listen. He is good and He formed me with His hands intricately. He has a plan and He waits for me to say, “Yes.”

So, I’m saying it. “Yes.”

Wow, there’s that feeling of peace. Guys, I think this is it. This is the exact thing I received in my 4 Minutes listening prayer: Peace. Acceptance. Thankfulness. I thought I was just falling asleep, but God showed me the actual feeling on what it means to receive peace.

Second… My “second” reason is placed WAY later in this post. But really, second… Why did Jenny say “three”? She said, “offending the three”. She doesn’t know me. This was our first time actually meeting each other. I have never met her or seen her before this day. It was so kuh-ra-zy how she said THREE. Was that just a random number she chose?

Or was it God telling her that it’s three people I was mostly worried about? I was going to mention this to her but we focused on the thousand part for a long time that I forgot to tell her. Then we were all like, “JENNY, THAS GOOOOOOD.“

If you’re one of my longest reader here on my blog, you are a witness to the changes that’s been made here. I know I started by sharing product reviews in a mama’s life, but I think that stage of my blog has been completed.

I would love if you choose to hang around and walk this life with me. Thank you for that if you do. If you decide to part ways, I understand as well, but I hope we can still be friends.

I want this blog to be a safe place where you can relate.

A place where you can learn how to overcome through stories of my own trials and struggles.

A place where you can forgive and/or accept the things in your life.

Finally, a place where you can feed your Spirit so that your mind is renewed through the Word of God.

Renewal is a beautiful thing. Forgiving your past and stepping into freedom is all in itself amazing. God has already forgiven you, so it’s time for you to forgive yourself. Take a step in renewal and let’s walk with God together.

I think you’ll love it or maybe you’ll hate it, or maybe both. But most importantly, through all of it, you’ll have Joy. Joy is everlasting and it’s also constant.

Thanks for hanging out with me today. I love you and I hope you have a beautiful day. See you later!

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2 Comments

  1. Sherry
    April 29, 2021 / 4:02 AM

    Hi Livi, thank you for this beautiful post! I thank God for what he is doing through you!

    • xolivi
      Author
      April 29, 2021 / 9:29 AM

      Thank you, Sherry! I always love hearing from you. I hope you are doing well!

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